I remember a time when I didn't believe in myself. No matter what door I walked up to, there was a part of me that would say "this is not worth it"!
It really wasn't that long ago that things began to shift.
Have you ever held your breath?
Only to realize, hours, days, months, years later - you never stopped holding your breath.
This is me. I wish I could say this was me. But alas, the truth is the truth. No matter how much I might try to run from it.
But rather than live one foot mettled in the past, I am choosing to strut forward with faith. With both feet.
So I will say that this was me; up until about 5 minutes ago. It might take me longer, repetition is really key here, to align with this part of me who feels safe to take up space. Who feels safe to stand out and shine. But I will never give up. She is worth it. She is worth everything.
Ya’ll I am overjoyed by a new Divine gift in my life; I am about to embark on a new meditation journey with Unplug Meditation. You can find them through their app, Unplug Meditation App or by google searching their name.
My official 30-day meditation movement begins July 7th. Today’s mantra: I trust.
I feel newly empowered being a Brand Ambassador for their 30-day meditation journey this summer. A sense of trust has begun a spiritual awakening for a time now. Never has it ever rung so loudly in my ears.
I am embarrassed to say that ever since my last meditation journey, I haven’t been so committed.
In fact, I dare say I have been extremely lazy. I’ve become so tunnel vision on the fear that is surrounding me, that I never even slowed down to believe in myself or give time just to sit and be still.
I bought into the belief that choosing every reality but the one I truly desired was more worthy than seeing my greatest successes unfold. Spreading myself extremely thin, I began to hold my breath.
This started years ago. Only today, have I accepted that I no longer desire fear to control my life. Burning desire can be more powerful than you could ever dream.
This burning desire has kept me afloat. Courage has given me the strength to build daily success habits to keep me above water. I’ve committed to one Instagram post a day to keep up my marketing goals. I’ve started my Twitter and Pinterest accounts. I’ve even managed to launch a new shift in my energy through exploring blogging and new partners.
But the truth is, all the while; I have been struggling. And as scary as it feels to admit this to you, my sweet beautiful readers - being honest with you brings such relief.
Focused only on lack and scarcity, I was so hooked on the value of what others could do for my life that I was living blind to my own ability to make a change and safely and confidently take up space.
Too often we catch on to people’s success trains. We get so excited to have found someone who understands our struggles that we believe they are the key to our success. When we allow this to happen, we get lost in the muddy water of our own lives.
This has been me.
Too afraid to make the visions bursting and exploding in my mind a part of reality.
Too in the dark on how I was standing in my own way of unleashing my own power.
Too sensitive to allow others judgment to pass through me, but instead, allowing myself to absorb every negative impulse or thought from others.
Too vulnerable to even dare unlock the door of new possibilities. To even dare to dream bigger and simply trust on a higher scale.
Striving for perfection but calling it something else, thanks to the Do It Scared podcast on iTunes - I question: What if balance is somehow overrated?
My friends, we are meant to live in our truest skin.
We aren’t meant to absorb and live the mantra of fear.
Stop choosing to live walking on eggshells. Start believing you are worthy; begin to allow yourself to slow down.
Practice meditation in an effort to be in allowance of oneself; to be in allowance of the brilliant energy that is you. To let others in.
To share your darkest secrets.
To stop holding onto your breath.
To completely exhale, trust with this choice prana will authentically guide air to ebb back in. And so it goes, so you be. Full of the essence of you and willing to be in allowance with who you are.
The biggest breakthrough I had this week was: Thanks to my recent situation and mindset, I am holding my breath. All the time. In fact, I have been holding my breath all the time, for a very long time.
What I realized was that being myself, and owning my own story, living up to everything I am meant to be; is going to be painful. Not only that, but it is going to hurt the ones I love.
And yet, if I never choose to bloom, never offer my loved ones the voice of honesty; I am only hurting myself the most. I, am the only one who suffers.
Reality hit me hard when my thoughts uncovered “holding on to all of that fear and pain is not worth it”. Holding your breath so that others can command your limits of living abundantly - is not worth it.
The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
What I’ve learned is that life is full of seasons. Seasons will come, and seasons will go. For this first part of my life, I’ve always been in a highly sensitive season.
But holding on to my story and all this pain is not worth it.
Pretending I have it all figured out over here; living untruthfully in real circumstances - is not living.
We are budgeting hardcore; we are snacking on free RXbars (thanks to my work as an ambassador); eating eggs and more eggs, quesadillas, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, macaroni & cheese, Ramen; even committing to dinner at McDonald's when I’m completely sick of everything in the house.
(If you don’t know me, you should know McDonald's is usually a once a year kind of meal choice for me; sometimes once every other year).
Thank goodness for bacon; it's my saving grace.
I could eat that every meal.
We barely have enough to pay our bills.
Grocery shopping is always on a list and about the bare minimum at max.
I push aside cravings and desires, doubts and unsupportive thoughts on the hope and belief that this too shall pass. But my mind is swamped with the weight of reality. How will it get even better than this? Please God, How will it get even better than this?
Truth: This is my life; on repeat. The struggle has never been more real. Meals have never been so boring, or repetitive in our house. And sneaky doubt has never conquered more of my present reality. Never conquered more of my mindset.
But I’ve decided that this is only a season. A season worthy of shining the light on. On being open about.
Because I realized, If this is a way that I am living - maybe others are out there too. Enduring the same struggle.
Imagining balance is actually attainable.
Maybe others even feel the weight of fear and let it drown them on the daily like I have been.
The questions we need to face most is: what if all fear was a lie? and who would you be without that thought?
To layer in I add,
How do we protect ourselves from the whirlpool effect of life?
How do we become capable of believing in our own thoughts over someone else? Even questioning the origin of the thought itself?
Why do we believe we need others to manifest the secrets to our own power?
Who creates the rules and who defines them?
And how do we reroute to the truth when fear is speaking louder in our ear?
Well, the truth of all those fearful questions is: any rule that defy’s your emotional intelligence is not meant for you. You have the power to transcend rules and create new ones.
Truth: "rules are for suckers and balance is overrated." - Do it Scared Podcast.
A rocket is only on course 3% of its entire journey. It is okay to travel off course at any moment of your life.
The important discovery you have to face is: is it true for me? And can I maybe trust a place within myself to manifest the answer? Because what if the idea of balance was just a myth.
Rules are for suckers. Who would you be without fear? Who put that fear or doubt in your head anyway?
I can tell you right now; it wasn’t really you.
The biggest way I was holding back, the highest wall I was building was only in an effort to keep everyone out. I wasn’t even allowing myself to settle into the skin and body I was given. Encompassed by fear, lack, scarcity, the belief I would never be enough: “This is how I was taught” was my number one excuse. Even through college, the definition of acting became “living truthfully in imaginary circumstances”; this mantra bled into my mindset, which eventually bled into my life.
Truth: I was making my life small enough to control; blaming others for not hitting my goals.
But when we trust; our intuition becomes our best advisor. When we trust, we strut with confidence and honesty.
Focused only on lack and scarcity, I was so hooked on the value of what others could do to me in my life that I was living blind to my own ability to hit my goals and believe it was safe for me take up space.
I’ve come to learn: Confidence is something you have to protect; but we also have to discover this ability to hold confidence loosely. Confidence struts itself in many different ways.
All my life I have been judged for being over emotional. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve hit rock bottom, balling my eyes out over any size of an issue; only to find myself begging to not have as many emotions or feelings as I had. I would beg Divine source to take away this heightened sense of noticing how I feel. But as an actor this is my biggest asset.
In my place of lack, I could not see the gift this gave me to intuitively use emotion to understand myself and others. I pushed this gift aside and shut off all communication.
When I repeat the mantra: I trust. I finally feel at ease, my lowest self can discover all of these emotions were given to me with a purpose. And rather than openly trusting in their Divine beauty and intervention in my life; I was living blind, blocking my ability to get in the flow of life.
When we are afraid to live visibly, we are only holding ourselves back from gold.
Being vulnerable is the most truthful representation of who you really are. Just because someone else once told you no; doesn’t mean this energy has to define you.
Commitment means all in. Now for me making myself vulnerable is easy; trusting that vulnerability is a whole different beast. But the truth is no one knows what they are doing either. Aha!
When we live blindly, we allow our fears to take the reins. When we buy in to the lie that everyone else has it figured out; we only limit the possibilities built for our life’s purpose and reality.
But the real reality is: faith is greater than any fear.
Even in moments when our faith seems like a stretch. Ask yourself, What if it does work out? What if everything that you have been through was only here to make you realize you are worthy of standing up to your biggest fears?
What if all fear was a lie?
Trust. Rearrange the letters, and you get strut.
Strut your trust.
No one knows what they are doing either.
You are unique, you bring something different to the table.
There are no limits. There is only one you.
Kick fear to the curb and plant a new garden.
Believe you will find your way.
“Into thy hands I commend my spirit”, all we need to combat the unseen is trust.
Who would you be without that thought?
So be it.