Just the other day, I had this breakdown. I asked my boyfriend to ask me this single question everyday. It's for my own good. And I am ever so grateful for him, for remembering to ask me.
But that doesn't mean that the conversations are easy. It's actually kind of nice really. I feel as though he is one of the only people unafraid to ever tell me the whole and full truth. And what is awesome is that I made this decision five years ago to let him in. When I first saw him, it was as if I knew, my heart was already swept up and intertwined with his soul. I didn't know how to explain it, but it was as if just in the sound of his laugh I could hear a lifetime of goodness if I gave in. I’m so glad I did, I haven’t looked back since. We learn growing up that relationships aren’t easy. Great parents show us that any kind of relationship is possible; that you are allowed to choose; to live bigger than our dreams. For it is through relationships, and how we treat one another daily on this planet that we live our impact. We manifest change on the daily and don’t think twice about it. You guys WE ARE ALL BADASSES. It’s pretty amazing that within our galaxy, this universe was created as a gift for us mortals to roam through.
My parents divorced when I was twelve. And my family took a big hit. I searched through many others to find something as special as what I happened upon when I met Him. There is so much sadness, still within me, that I deflect to what others think is good for me. Instead of holding my own and speaking my truth. I stay "At Attention", all my thoughts and words tucked in. I blame no one for learning behaviors like these. We are all just trying to do our best in this world and I believe that that is what my parents felt they were doing. Ever since my parents divorce, I've pondered a great deal on death. In many formats and layers. My uncle passed when I was three and for the longest time I was convinced that I was due for a life of more suffering because I wasn't offered the chance to really get to know him. Being the only other musician in the family, I really feel like I missed out on a support system. I questioned God for years and carried the burden of this inner childhood sadness with multiple blows to the heart. Yet, I have never felt more comfortable than I do after today acknowledging our human impermanence. Keep reading and you'll get to experience why.
Throughout my past twenty five years in this life, I've come to learn a different meaning of family. A fine tuned definition of friendship and relationship work. It's my own definition, but family is being there for one another, it is people who you can be your worst with, and your best. It is a feeling of being respected. Having an ebb and flow to it's own dymanic of community. It is the only people we truly show our ugliness to, because if you can't be vulnerable with your family -- who else can you be vulnerable with. By starting small, I was able to understand that family isn't about perfectino or imgae. But rather, the purpose and the intention you give to it's name. The mission statment really of what your family is about. I encourage you to make up your own meaning of family. Live your life less defined by what or how others feel your life should go, and more by what your heart is saying. Our subconscious minds are always at work and they loooooove to work, so feed them with powerful moving questions. Build a platform for your dreams, that propells you outside of your comfort zone and into the reality you know you are worthy of. Even let it evolve and change, taking on a little shape of our impermanence in it's destiny. Through meditation, we remove the blocks; by allowing our innner energy to more naturally ebb and flow, we can begin to find peace within. I implore you to meditate, journal, live more for hearing the inner messages of meaning than to be constantly searching for grounding from your outter reality. By meditating we commit to our dreams; to believing they can be a part of both our inner and outter reality.
By accepting where I am, I’ve tumbled upon meaning in human connection in it’s deepest and simplest forms. I am eternally grateful for the lives that have made up my life's experience. This is the path that was meant for me. It’s just that there’s a fork up ahead. Just around the river bend, waiting for exploration and new beginning, rather than the route that circles me back into the main channel; I am feeling the call from off the beaten path. I’m exhausted by just floating along -- I'm ready to start fully living it again. To explore the world with more childlike curiosity and drive. To commit to one goal above all else, instead of a back up plan.
This 40 day Sadhana I’m on is no joke. It is helping me to become more real, nearly 100% of the time. It’s offered me a routine outside of the one I was on. Just this week alone, I had many ahas. I think there is something very monumental about the number 25 for me. Even on day 25 of my journey, I felt a deep shift. Taking a risk and trusting myself has been an explosively fun journey. I’m on a rocking cool wave of enlightenment and I am so excited to journey deeper. Today, day 27, I resisted everything. I had good reason; I had some other resisted work that seriously needed my attention. But I put off my yoga, my meditation, my journaling and reading, even this blog— until the end of the day.
Energetically I came to realize I was a ball of stress. A moving hyper yet physically grounded person. What I am so stoked about is that today I was able to see the effects of my work on myself. To aggressively and thoughtfully digging into mental clarity in order to be more aware of what I am experiencing. BY putting everything off I became this person that I have been being. This person, who is advancing and enhancing her life in so many ways and levels and in different formats and planes. But also, someone who has been letting her inner voice crowd her judgement. Crowd her thought clarity, even take on tension, dreams, goals— that are not aligned with who I really am. There is a delicate balance between fearing death and seeing it’s beauty. If it’s meaning, or it’s presence scares you. Know that this is okay, I am right there with you. I am a seriously visual person and it’s rough sometimes. But the present moment awareness that through death comes life, it so much greater than any limiting fears still lingering. It is only by accepting where we are, and how we got there. That we gan even begin to see another way to crawl ourselves out of darkness.
My parents divorce left a lot of darkness and sadness. Lots of years are lost to me now because my mind would rather shut out the sadness that blocks right in the middle of my childhood. This darkness got me through a lot of things. It helped me have a voice as an actor. An overflowing stamina of emotion became the name of the game for me as I secretly subconsciously began inner childhood work. Studying Meisner in college was by far the best thing I ever stumbled upon as an actor and a human being. It gave acting more of a purpose than ever before, and offers me grounding to this day. Because I faced such drastic situations so intimately with my heart, I began to let go of the sadness and darkness of my childhood. To this day, people are always amazed when I tell them it is hard for me to speak my own mind. But we are all meant to blossom in our own way, on our own timing, and within our own careers. This is something a mass amount of adults miss. Yes you can plan plan plan plan plan. But WHAT IF? What if you could be the best of the best? Bigger than anything you could ever imagine, and the only reason you aren”t: is your own damn fault? Do you really want to be responsible from holding yourself back from the world? In what ways is holding back, really just hiding? Really just giving up before we fail. We are so much stronger than we believe. Start to shift your inner reality, and see how the outside changes. What are you so afraid of, that you would risk having it all — to be someone you are not?
I really couldn’t put it in any better words, so I offer you my reading today. I remembered that habit of putting off what really is good for you today. Like how you know you need to go to yoga, but you respond “Yes Netflix; I am still watching”. It’s unconventional and I’m hoping not illegal, but my coach even gave a call to action to write a blog today. So I offer this Day 27 reading, in the hopes it helps you feel more comfortable about death. For the same benefits of enlightenment, and reception of pure inner joy. Lean into the uncomfortableness and density of this topic and just notice what you release and see if you can recognize where and maybe why, you are holding on so tightly. “It could be a sign that you’re not truly living…It’s a delicate balance to let today be enough, to find joy and beauty in the small things, and also to heed the calls of your heart without fear because those desires were placed there for a reason. Have faith in the process and in the knowing that the process is part of the purpose.” Suzanne Heyn
THE BIG SHIFT WEEK 4, DAY 27
Day 27: Knowing I will die helps me more fully live
When I was in college, I took a class called Death and Dying. Maybe it sounds morbid, but we talked about how different cultures approached death and most of all, discussed how contemplating the end can inspire a life well-lived.
The ancient Japanese samurai, for example, meditated on death every day because it inspired fearlessness. Thinking this way puts our own lives into perspective. Why are we so afraid again?
Earlier in this course, we talked about limits, the divine kind that come in the form of honoring our human needs or of circumstances that won’t budge, the brick walls of life that force us to re-evaluate who we are and where we’re going. But there’s a different kind of limit we face. Man-made ones.
The insane things we tell ourselves — that we’re not good enough to live our dreams, we’re unworthy of happiness, that our needs or emotions don’t matter — these are the limits of a mind not in tune to the impermanence of life. The gift of life that you are lucky enough to live, for however long.
A strong spiritual practice helps us uncover these thoughts that may otherwise go unnoticed, and then squash them. Or at the very least, summon the courage to continue anyway. One day you will die, and you don’t know when that day is. Live your life now. Let that knowing fill your heart with courage to overcome everything that you fear on the way to following your dreams. Let that inspire you to sink into the present moment and enjoy life for what it is rather than what it's not.
If this reading scares you, it could be a sign that you’re not truly living. If it’s true, you probably already know this. You feel it in your bones. It’s okay; don’t beat yourself up. Simply recognize it, feel the frustration or resistance or whatever it is that arises and vow to do something meaningful to you, no matter how small. Follow your curiosity. Sign up for Toastmasters and speak in public. Join a club. Start a blog.
Stop living for the future. Engage in the now. Trust that you will be lead in the right direction. Trust that if you face every obstacle in your path with an open heart and willing spirit, you will feel fulfilled.
The shadow side to knowing that our lives will one day end is fear. We may fear dying or death, but this fear can also translate into worrying that our lives are not enough. That we haven't done enough, aren't making a big enough impact or aren't living a big enough life. It’s a delicate balance to let today be enough, to find joy and beauty in the small things, and also to heed the calls of your heart without fear because those desires were placed there for a reason. Have faith in the process and in the knowing that the process is part of the purpose.
If you have more pressing fears about death, an illness, a family member passes, just a general unease in the knowing that your life will one day end — it helps to accept the fact that yes, life will one day end and use that as even greater inspiration to enjoy the present moment. We're all just visitors to this Earth, a magical rock orbiting in gravity-less outer space where the temperatures and weather conditions just so happened to be the perfect combination to allow an entire planet of plants and animals, including humans, to thrive and prosper. The more we can relax into the magic of the every day, have gratitude for that because of its impermenence, not in spite of it, the more we can find peace in the present moment.
The good news is that the more you realize your impermanence, the greater peace you will feel. The more you will understand that nothing lasts, good or bad, and you will use this to live more fully and deeply. Use the knowledge that you will die for the ultimate inspiration. What do you have to fear? This is your life. Every possible misstep on the path — it’s all just dust on the path of your personal evolution. Nobody will remember what you did wrong — we're all in our own little worlds most of the time, the main character on the stage of our own lives. You alone are with you from the day you’re born until the day you die. The middle is nothing but constant change.
Embrace that. Fearlessly. Go after your heart's desires, release the chains of the past because you hold the key. Live your destiny. It’s right here, right now. Your destiny is a flood of constantly unfolding moments, and not any specific destination. Your destiny is the aligned actions you take today.
Let your heart fill up with the knowing that you are blessed and the greatest adventure of your life is waiting for you. It’s not necessarily in Bali or France or Costa Rica. The greatest adventure is following your heart, co-creating with the divine, and watching your authentic, true self blossom before your very eyes. Only when we absorb the truth of impermanence can we fully live.” - Suzanne Heyn
Knowing I will die helps me more fully live. This is my call to action for you: Ask yourself, every fiber of your being — what does it feel like to be alive today? Are you truly living? Then journal about it! Rather than judge, just observe. Be present and find the space to release your fears.
Sometimes we have to be our own inner hero. Our own version of a badass. Crawl out of the shell that was your former skeleton of a self -- and start fully living. You deserve it. Your life is worthy.
Your Fearless Leader,