I don't think I've ever been tested more in my life.
I've started three, maybe four blog posts now, all wiped away without a save. Divine intervention if I ever saw it, truly.
The test of my patience lead me to this:
Stop deceiving yourself. If you can accept and deal with an unpleasant reality, you at least have a chance of changing that reality. But, if you refuse to see and deal with reality, you will be doomed to continue living your untruthful life. — Bryant McGill
I keep coming back to a few phrases that have really stood out to me in this life time, some sharper than others. Here's the free thought of whats been hitting my mind this past week:
- "Hit the road again" - full of soul and a heart of gospel chorus behind it, on repeat
if you refuse to see and deal with reality
it's time to let go
- "Lean on Me" - on the radio yesterday in my uber: on one of my darkest days, my dad and I listened to this song as he held me and told me everything would be okay; in the same house we've just sold to another family.
it's time to let this go
- "Where did you come from?" -my college professor, a wildly intelligent woman worthy of more than a lifetime of praise. This was her comment after really seeing me for the first time. It pops up as the reminder that I need no one's validation, I can feel free at home in my own soul being, doing, living, breathing, saying everything through the strength of my highest self - standing firm in trusting myself wholeheartedly, sans any doubtful question.
- "Professor Kowsar is dead . . . he fell from his five story building in Tehran" - same professor as above, announcing the passing of another professor in an email. Suddenly the world felt so big, and I felt so small; the image took my breath away.
to continue living your untruthful lie
it's time for it all - let go
you will be doomed
- "Legacy, what is a legacy" - Hamilton (a creation of his own making). He reminds me in the eyes of life and death there is no time for second-guessing. There is no time for doubt. No room for error. Every word you can speak in this life will ripple into the heart of another. Choose wisely, and with patience, for in the quietest moments - the world whispers an answer.
its time - to let it all go
- Everything I've figured out here, I let it go. Because "what if" the perfect answer is under a rock I never noticed was right in front of me, I mean "how can it get any better than this?" - two of my favorite questions when working with potential opportunities and asking for guidance to surrender to what is (thank you newest acting coach for leading me to discover that clarity!)
- "Why not pretend there is?" - Outrageous Openness (Silver), the current book i'm reading. The author is propositioning the viewpoint: surrender to divine wisdom, annotating this universe as a living loving force and through snid bits of life stories - a way of understanding there is a lighter way to live, a path that follows the breadcrumbs will continue to see the secret of life's messages as guidance rather than obstacles
and deal with an unpleasant reality
Trusting you'll have the right words to say is eire. But when you're calling in Divine order on a whole pack of things in your life. It's worth calling in a little vocal guidance.
Because after all "who did your voice belong to, to begin with anyway?" - (Silver). This book reminded me that even the three wise men and shepards who followed the angel in the sky trusted in something higher. They followed the star, they got to the child. A star, lead them to a little infant child as the answer.
"Why wouldn't it speak to us . . .?" (Silver)
Right? I mean, if only there wasn't as much fear in being ourselves as we grow older. Yes, it's challenging to work with multiple types of people and personalities, but if we try to turn ourselves all into one, we might as well give up the fight right now. Silver reminded me that we do not have to live in comparison. We do not have to focus every debate and question with a "no that's not what I want or my point of view" mentality. We can simply think, breathe, and pause, and choose to focus and uplift more of what we do want in our lives.
This was a breakthrough moment for me. I'd realized I'd gotten myself into this mess of a person that only concerned herself with focusing on her flaws and connecting with the weight of them. Somehow this made me feel like a "stronger" person. HA. If only I knew.
If only I knew the power of the brighter side of "what if" all this time. Of this question's ability to spark a spiral of shifting inner movement, full of hope and driven filled thought. A way to visualize and embrace the feelings I knew were available on the other side of the grass so to speak.
All of this started as I came across the chapter about a God box. Which is essentially what it is, a little box where you can put your prayers worries, thoughts, questions, anything really. Your center to communicate with the Divine. And mainly, a place for your brain to not stress or worry about forgetting everything you're trying to make it remember.
Now not literally, but the moment I started tossing my worries, stress, and anxieties into my new prayer box - the more a sense of ease and this fuzzy feeling of trust settled in. The relief alone of writing down the thought, or obstacle, that I was swimming in obsessive doubt in - was weightlifting enough.
But once I placed it inside my chosen box, a new game began. I suddenly decided to see how many of these worries I could give up to the Divine/ let go of/ allow to be wrapped up in a bundle of love. Mainly so that I wouldn't set it aflame by way of obstacles in my life - also because, for once it felt good to trust in the unseen. I simply trusted the process and began to imagine each little note as a package - each one packaged and bundled up like a babe; just as the storks carried it home to its keeper.
This was like no other physically hormonal release I've ever experienced. Mind you I am a sucker for a killer work out that slays you and invites others to take part in smashing you in whatever art form they choose. But boy, I have never felt more at home in my own body and nimble. I tend to be pretty clumsy and clunky most of the time, it takes work for me to move quietly. Unless I call in a little Divine order. I've noticed recently Archangel Gabriel's feminine energy is still finding me and filling me with peace and ease when my body is holding tension.
I uncovered a bit this week a part of the why behind my gravitational pull to earth. I've always told my mother this since I was little, many times my body has felt heavy. As if my spirit couldn't understand it's purpose on earth, but higher powers were all like "Nah, dude sorry. we're keeping you here". It's a delight looking back now and seeing how my family has needed me much as the anchor in our lives.
Even if I am the weeping overemotional one. At least I keep myself very connected with reality. I just don't reveal all my inner secrets and preparations. It's my Sun in Capricorn, rising in Aries, with a moon in Pisces. (If you're in need of understanding that -- download this app called Co--Star, it will help you understand your own deeper meaning of your astrological signs and also what the heck i'm referring to).
My Capricorn nature keeps me very rational, a touch moody, fundamentally serious, and driven by responsiblity; while my rising Aries nature holds the mask of what people see and think they know about me. Due to Aries in this part of my life, my forthrightness often comes off as rude and seen as energetic without vision for follow-through. But I am always watching. Always learning and absorbing. I have this memory bank that sucks it all in like the cover of a book. Spitting out data rapidly; often with so much detail in one image that sometimes you only see a part of the picture.
My moon in Pisces balances out my abrasive Sun and a few other planets in Capricorn; filled with sensitivity and desire for space, empathy and dreamy intellect. Thank goodness all the planets within my astrological chart pop out as layers to my personality, because I swear I think if my Mercury wasn't in Sagittarius - I'd just have willowed up in my house already. Destined to a life on the couch. Yet with a few other planets in Capricorn, I shine through and operate very much like one.
Yet, the deeper layers of my astrology chart unearthed some Divine wisdom in that I radiate and harmonize with expansion, being unconventional, choosing ambitiousness over fear and hesitation, a little too serious, overly passionate, intense, perceptive, private yet sociable when desired. But highly and in depthly forthcoming. I love to use these skills to be futuristic on all levels of the world's stage.
Because within every nook and cranny of you, you deserve to be heard and seen.
Just the other day, a dear loved one put this immense tidal wave of fear on my shoulders. She convinced me for a hot sec in time that I should be concerned about how other people were going to react to what I had to say. I assured myself openly that I didn't care, but internally I caught that damn misbelief of a lie like a bad food poisoning bug. I was scooping buckets full of self-wallow and doubt out throughout the week. It took days to realize how much this was weighing on me and manipulating how I was thinking.
I was avoiding routine with my writing, avoiding follow through. Making decisions out of fear and what I wanted to be, rather than listening and being my perceptive self for what the universe could have to say - about any of it! Even though I was deeply listening for messages and reading through more of my book. I was still living blind.
Things in life were being a little wild and so many times was I questioned, thrown in a new direction, and for better or worse ignored some little slivers of knowledge along the way. I couldn't help but feel that all of this was just, though.
To my surprise. Each obstacle the week threw at me: I handled with total ease by the end of each kerfluffle. By the end of the week, amidst my riled up short temper bursts at rude and inconsiderate people - I somehow managed to see the other side of where I had been and what I had been struggling with.
you at least have a chance
We think we know why we are here.
We spend every waking minute worrying about the answer.
At every corner someone questions -- why are you here?
In every problem the universe answers, can you open your eyes wide enough to hear?
What if you could give yourself the opportunity to stop asking?
What if you could stop the obsession of worrying all the time?
What would it take for you to suspend your disbelief that you have any power over how your path is flowing? Will flow?
When we lose something or someone we love, we are only left with questions. Especially if the world seemed to give no answer. But maybe we were too busy shouting. Maybe the tears in our eyes and the fear ringing in our ears was too damn loud to ever even consider someone else was out there fighting, harder than you. For longer than you. For more than just you.
stop deceiving yourself
What if you could believe you didn't need anyone else's validation? Who would you be without that thought?
What if the answer or the pain you are struggling with, and in resistance with - wasn't coming in a letter,
wasn't about to be dropped off on your doorstep or at your office,
it wasn't going to smack you in the face if you didn't want it,
wasn't going to be available on amazon prime.
What if it was bigger than you and bigger than any of us and we were only seeing one side of the obstacle?
What if your whole story had this prewritten vision? Like on TV, when they start in season one dropping little hints that two people will be together or were meant to be together. But it takes them seven seasons to figure out one little piece of it. Or maybe they know it, they feel it, but life still throws them challenges along the way. And since Game of Thrones hit they reminded us it's any body's game. So what if they realize it but it's too late and they are already dead or already slept with their great aunt? Life is divine chaos - embrace it.
Stop deceiving yourself.
Maybe it's time we start taking initiative and listening to the hidden messages behind the work of everyone and everything.
I am a firm believer in the phrase: action speaks louder than words. I mean did you see Moana? It was a perfect baby out of the work Lin Manuel Miranda wrote in the score of Hamilton. The melodies alone were an infusion of rhythm and that swanky Hamilton cadence. Even in Hamilton's story, you can see how one life path is all molded in with many, unable to separate, unworthy of comparison - each life within the story holds value. And yet, as history has shown us repeatedly - it took the power of one to remind all why life was worth living.
So what the hell are we all scared of? Dear God, I pray you all start hooting and hollering because maybe that's why you're living - maybe that's a part of why you're here. To discover you are not as alone as you feel, and the world is fucking wide enough for anyone to be heard.
If you have something to say say it. Decide it is worthy or decide maybe it's crazy, but never ever let someone else's fear of you being seen hold you back. They won't say it to you, they won't even admit they're doing it, but breathe baby breathe when another soul tries to take away your power to transmit your knowledge of how to be you in this world.
I'm not saying everyone is going to be the next Einstein, or that everyone has to grow up and choose to be a saint - I'm just saying there's a brighter way of viewing this reality. Since you're the one living in it, why let other people choose how you need to live?
Trust that your needs will be met and be open to the possibility that something greater could be out there. Stop deceiving yourself. What if my sweet dear, you were the next person to make a miracle happen? And what if just by choosing to be ignorant of one perspective -- you were blatantly missing out on the most gorgeous POV from the Divine?
If my words feel true to you, take them. If they don't, don't live by them. See them as "Ah, that's an interesting point of view" and move on.
The truth is I'm not here to please you, I'm here to awake you.
I want you to stand up and change your life course if you feel so compelled, choose to invest in something that scares you and see who you become in the process.
Define your own version of Life, spirituality, and all its experiences. What if all you were missing were a lense to remember you could glance through at anytime? For when the world feels like you're at the bottom of the ocean and the walls of water are caving in, time to run, oh shit.
Grab the new lense, give it a chance. "You can always go back to your dog eat dog world" (Silver)
Stop deceiving yourself,
have a chance at changing that reality.
Choose from love rather than fear.
Why wouldn't it speak to us . . .?